Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Waiting for the Storm

We were told that this cycle of chemo would probably be the hardest since it is more concentrated and she gets it twice.  Well if this is hard, sign me up for a round.

Averi is doing awesome (knock on wood...no seriously, we can use all the help we can get).  I have to admit that it makes me a little nervous because I remember saying something similar right before she started throwing up for 2 days and then taking a trip to the PICU.  She hasn't even acted sick at all and only complains because she's bored out of her mind (I know the feeling).

She did start showing signs of the chemo today when her blood work showed that her hemoglobin and platelets had dropped.  This is expected and means the chemo is doing it's job, but she needed both platelet and red blood cell transfusions.  Luckily she hasn't started showing negative reactions to getting blood products yet.


I have a confession to make.  Someone we know had to have follow up tests done after getting bad results on a mammogram.  When she emailed everyone to let us know that it wasn't cancer, I didn't have the expected sigh of relief.  I wasn't happy for her, not that I was mad either...I was jealous.

Why is it that my baby has to suffer through cancer when someone who's older gets a free ride?  Why is it acceptable for me to think like that?  It's not like her having cancer would take it away from my daughter.  It's not like our lives would somehow be normal again if someone else's got torn apart.  So why can't I be happy for her and congratulate her like all the other people who's kids aren't living on the oncology floor at the hospital?

I hate that I reacted that way and I hate that I feel justified in doing it.

8 comments:

Brandy said...

Well then you can count me in on the bad attitude list. I would have thought the SAME thing. You are justified to vent all you want.

So glad to hear that Averi is doing well as this next round of chemo is beginning. Such a cutie! I have a little gift for her. Hopefully I'll get over to see her before she starts to feel sick again.

mmcloud said...

We are all human, and even though we accept that things happen we don't like, it doesn't mean we have to be happy about it. You are completely normal! I am glad Averi is doing well.

Stephanie said...

Aw, Tiff, don't get down on yourself. Averi has a long road ahead, but you guys are taking it in stride and she couldn't have a better support system. Maybe you were ready for your friend to say that she had cancer again and you could better sympathize and feel a little connection between her and Averi and also a little extra support. Either way, we are supporting you all. You are an amazing mom and wonderful friend. I hope I can be a better friend. Love you.

Sara Emily said...

You're not alone, Tiff. I think we've all had feelings like that. My sister is struggling right now because she wants to get pregnant and have a baby SO bad but it's not working, probably because she's had to have 2 uterine surgeries because of tumors, and her doctor has told her even if she does have a baby, she'll have to have a hysterectomy right after it. Now EVERY time anyone gets pregnant, she struggles with those feelings - 'why them and not me??' It was the worst recently because she just found out her ex husband's girl friend is pregnant... Anyway - long story short, everyone has those feelings from time to time and it's OK. It really is. You are AMAZING Tiff and if this is the worst thing you struggle with, then you're doing well! Love love love LOVE to you and your beautiful family!!

The Fisher Family said...

Well, thanks for being the final push that burst my dam and for making me bawl. I just love you guys so much and feel for you so so much. I am so sorry that you are going through this. It is NOT fair at all. It BITES. You have every right to go kick a trash can. Telestial living really stinks, and it isn't fair, and that is all there is to it. Just don't give up--you are loved. ~Sarah

Diana Taggart said...

It just proves that you are as human as the rest of us! As a mother, I know exactly what you're talking about. Hang in there.

Josh n Betsie said...

I would do the same thing. Plus little averi has already been through so much already before this all happened. I feel so sorry for her and you and for all that you have to go through. Fighting cancer is not a fun thing and not fun to watch at all. You are in our thoughts and prayers. Love you

Lauren in GA said...

I totally understand why you feel jealous. I'ts so hard to see Averi suffer.

Thanks for your honesty. I am sorry that this is happening to your sweet little family.