We were told that this cycle of chemo would probably be the hardest since it is more concentrated and she gets it twice. Well if this is hard, sign me up for a round.
Averi is doing awesome (knock on wood...no seriously, we can use all the help we can get). I have to admit that it makes me a little nervous because I remember saying something similar right before she started throwing up for 2 days and then taking a trip to the PICU. She hasn't even acted sick at all and only complains because she's bored out of her mind (I know the feeling).
She did start showing signs of the chemo today when her blood work showed that her hemoglobin and platelets had dropped. This is expected and means the chemo is doing it's job, but she needed both platelet and red blood cell transfusions. Luckily she hasn't started showing negative reactions to getting blood products yet.
I have a confession to make. Someone we know had to have follow up tests done after getting bad results on a mammogram. When she emailed everyone to let us know that it wasn't cancer, I didn't have the expected sigh of relief. I wasn't happy for her, not that I was mad either...I was jealous.
Why is it that my baby has to suffer through cancer when someone who's older gets a free ride? Why is it acceptable for me to think like that? It's not like her having cancer would take it away from my daughter. It's not like our lives would somehow be normal again if someone else's got torn apart. So why can't I be happy for her and congratulate her like all the other people who's kids aren't living on the oncology floor at the hospital?
I hate that I reacted that way and I hate that I feel justified in doing it.