Thursday, June 17, 2010

Celebrate What?

Today is the one year anniversary of when Averi was finally allowed to come home with her family after spending a week at her birth hospital and another 40 days at the Children’s Hospital. This is a day of celebration, right? Well it was, at least until about lunch time.

As I sat there yet again trying to get Averi to drink just one ounce from her bottle, she insisted on screaming, arching her back, and pushing the bottle away. I finally just had enough. I sat her in her chair, looked her in the face, and screamed. (Yes, to all of you who have these crazy ideas that I am handling things so well, here is my proof otherwise.)

I had to walk away because I was so frustrated, so I threw the bottle in the sink and melted into tears on my kitchen floor. Then, being the person that I am, I got up, washed the dishes, and made lunch for Kaili. Someone has to do it and apparently I have no idea how to leave a task anything but 100% done, all the time.

I cried because I felt guilty for yelling at my 1 year old, but also because I’m just so tired. I don’t mind working on something insistently, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t waiting for some proof of my efforts. Averi has been home for a year now and I’ve been working with her at OT for 6 months and I’m still trying to coax one little ounce of milk into her.

I’m tired of spending a fourth of my day putting food into her. I’m tired of moving backwards instead of forwards. I’m tired of feeling like my life is a waste of time. I’m tired of feeling guilty for not spending more time with Kaili or more play time with Averi. I’m tired of willingly giving so much of myself to get nothing in return. I’m tired of pretending to be strong.

A year ago today Averi came home from the hospital, and what do we really have to show for it? I want so much more for her…but most of all I just want this stupid G-tube to go away.


Celeste Ferguson said...

I have no idea what you are going through. I haven't ever walked in your footsteps. I do want you to know that I have yelled at my one year old, and broken down in tears though. I think you are amazing! I am here, and I am listening (even though it's through reading). Vent on girl. Just know I love you. And so does our Heavenly Father. I wish I lived closer, and could help you. I really do! I know what I am saying doesn't take away the frustration--but I just wanted you to know I'm here! :) Love you girl!

Sara Emily said...

Tiffany, you are an amazing mother, even though you may not always feel like it. I, too, have yelled at my young children from time to time in frustration. Joey had a lot of problems eating as a baby (not near to Averi's extent, so I can't imagine what you're going through) but I would get so frustrated that it would take me an hour to get him to eat 4 ounces and then he would barf it all back up - and that was when he was one!! He's always been a problematic eater and I've always gotten so frustrated about it. I understand about you feeling like all you do all day is worry about getting food into Averi. Just please don't feel like a bad mom because you got frustrated, because you did what a frustrated mom should do! You put her somewhere safe, and took a break. I still think you are amazing and handling everything splendidly! You are my hero! (and Averi's and Kaili's!) Love you girl!

Vicki said...
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Vicki said...

I can't begin to fully understand all that you are dealing with.
However, I do understand how tiring it is to pretend things are going well when, in fact you don't think they are. I had multiple moments like this when B was deployed. I was told what a fantastic job I was doing, when I always felt I was on the verge of losing it....and sometimes I did!

You may not feel strong all the time, but you are strong because you pick yourself up and you keep going. You don't quit. (Of course, how can you quit? Averi's your daughter...but you know what I mean :)
Anyway, I just want you to know I'm thinking of you. And you're a wonderful mother!!

Lauren in GA said...

I like your other commenters here have to say that I truly understand that I have no idea what you are going through...and if I were in your position I know I would not handle myself with the same amount of bravery that you have.

I love your honesty. You know...I have yelled at my kids before...and did not have nearly as much to be frustrated about.

I love you...and you know what?...I truly believe that Kaili understands and is learning from you so much more that you can possibly imagine.